In a world full of neutrals, spreadsheets, and people who say “circle back” unironically, there’s Reuben Utudjian—also known as Colonel Mustard—the man responsible for making your desk accessories weirdly emotional.

He's been doing this since... well, let’s just say the Titanic reference feels a bit much, but the chaos has been consistent. Think less “corporate visionary” and more “unlicensed party planner with a product line.”

If 90s MTV, vintage pop mags, and a mild identity crisis had a group chat, Reuben would be running it—probably shirtless, definitely opinionated.

For over 20 years, he’s been enthusiastically poking holes in the beige fabric of everyday life, launching products that feel like inside jokes with your slightly unhinged inner child. His philosophy? If it’s not fun, it’s furniture.

Inspired by everything from Warhol to whatever was in your mum’s handbag circa 1998, Colonel Mustard isn’t here to sell you kitchen staples. He’s here to make your surroundings slightly more bearable, one absurdly specific item at a time.

He once said, “Without you, we’re just throwing a party in an empty room.”

Which sounds poetic—until you realise he’s probably already dancing in it anyway.